Recently in Ranting Category

Matt and Tom are both putting up their 20 favourite games of all time, so I thought I would throw my 2c in. In no particular order, the games that have made the biggest impression on me are:

- Doom: (PC) Who can't include Doom in their list of 'greatest ever games'? I distinctly remember the first time I saw Doom- it was in the computer science lab at my High School. My brother was playing it and I was looking over his shoulder with my jaw wide open. I just...literally...couldn't...believe it! I just kept saying, over and over: "How is this possible?" And the best part was, they gave the first chapter away for free. All class, all the time.

- Command & Conquer: Red Alert: (PC) Another watershed game for me, I must have spent a very significant portion of my university career battling friends over the `net whilst playing C&C. Prior to figuring out all the bugs (the game basically ended the day we figured out that you could move the tanks while firing, and if you did, they couldn't die), this was a very strategically rich game, as you tried to figure out how to crack each other's defences.

- Starcraft: (PC) After hooked on RTS games by C&C, Starcraft was 'the next evolution' and many LAN parties revolved around kicking each other's butts in this game. The massive amount of mods and free missions continues to make this one of the most-played games in the world today. Honourable mention must go to Dark Reign, which continued the evolution.

- Half-Life series: (PC) While not quite the quantum-leap in FPS technology that many claim it to be, there's no denying that Half-Life was incredibly immersive, and it's excellent sequels continued the trend, making this one of the greatest stories in videogame history. The gravity gun! The gravity gun!

- Grand Theft Auto 3: (PS2) The only other time my jaw dropped and I started saying: "How is this possible?" over and over again, other than Doom, was the first time I booted up GTA. You felt like you could go anywhere, do anything. While this was not ultimately true, the feeling of having an entire city to wreak havoc in was quite powerful, and the excellent story/mission structure merely helped this along. Quite simply one of the best games I've played, even to this day.

- Deus Ex: (PC) If Half-life was not the revolution in FPS gaming that it promised to be, Deus Ex was. Not a shooter, more like a novel you moved through, the ability to pick the way you played the game meant that the experience felt very unique to you. You could beef your character up and try to fight your way through every situation, or you could load up on stealth gear and sneak your way through without killing anyone (which is what I did). The moment on the plane where you have to choose between your brother and your boss, each one drastically changing the outcome of the rest of the game, was like picking the colour of your character's soul- I've yet to encounter a narrative moment in the game like it.

- Portal: The newest entry on the list, Portal has no guns, no health bar, no enemies that don't apologize to you when you drop them. All it has is the most ingenious and mind-bending device I've ever seen in a game. There were moments, playing Portal, when I literally felt my mind expanding when it came to a breakthrough. Smart, funny, amazing ending. I love this damned game.

- Battlefield 1942: (PC) This is multiplayer gaming at it's finest. I remember the first time we booted this up at a LAN party, I jumped in a plane and flew into Rob's boat. We both fell about the floor laughing, then kept playing for ten hours straight. The sequels both rock, too.

- Bust-a-move: (PS) Okay, so you both control little uhm, dragons, that fire little bubbles, and when you connect there or more coloured bubbles, they pop. That's it. Two-player bust-a-move is just about the damned funnest game on the PS2, bar none. I must have played countless hours of this game on the PS2 with my flatties in 2002.

- Wipeout: (PS) This game is fun for two reasons- firstly, it's the world's fastest racer, and when you really get some speed on, it's awesome. Secondly, when playing against another person, it's brilliantly competitive, as you try to wipe out your opponent with mines, blasters, or giant waves of energy. Probably the best racer I've played.

- Counter-strike: (PC) Best FPS, most influential FPS, best mod, best game? You can't list any of these things without talking about the phenomenon of CS. Even today, ten years after it hit the scene, you can't go into an internet cafe without seeing hordes of kids playing CS and having a ball. Honourable mention must also go to Team Fortress.

- Dawn of War: (PC) There are RTS games that are technically superior (Company of Heroes) and others that are more balanced (Starcraft), but I'll be damned if you can find one that's more out-and-out fun. The game looks great, plays great, will soon have nine playable races, each with a very distinct flavour, and a very strong modding community keeps things fresh and interesting. Extremely fun game in both single and multiplayer modes.

- The Weakest Link: (PS2) Matt gave me stick for including this, but some of the funnest gaming I've had has been after a night on the taps, all back to my place for a game of The Weakest Link. Seven players but only one controller spells lounge-room chaos as everyone throws the controller back-and-forth, and then listens as Anne Robinson tears your avatar a new one. Also lots of betrayals and backstabbings as everyone votes off the best players. This game is a party in a box.

- Time Splitters: (PS2) As loathe as I am to include a console-driven FPS (trying to move someone's head with that stupid little joystick is just painful compared to doing it with naturally a mouse), the bottom line is that Timesplitters is good old time-jumping, zombie-slaying fun. No story that I could discern, but the constant refreshing of setting, weapons, and enemies means the game is never dull. Many a happy hour spent double-teaming with my flatmate on this one.

- Shadow of the Collosus: (PS2) Like Iko before it, this game gave an incredible sense of scale and, at times, beauty. Sometimes you would go into a glade and, even though it was digital, you'd feel at peace, as though you'd just gone into a glade yourself. Sometimes even the monsters you were tasked with bringing down seemed beautiful, or perhaps sad, and you would feel sad you had to destroy them. It made a great impression on me, and figuring out how to complete each level was often quite satisfying.

- Baldur's Gate - Dark Alliance I&II: (PS2) Speaking of spending many multiplayer hours on a game, this game was so damned addictive that I remember walking out of our flat, saying to ourselves: "We have to get away from the game for a few hours." and then immediately turning around, going back inside and playing, because we just couldn't bear to be away from it. Strong plot, amazing graphics and a compulsive need to 'level up' were the drivers behind this game. See also: Diablo.

- Voyager - Elite Force: (PC) There are a lot of Star Trek games that I had a lot of fun with (Armada, Birth of the Federation and A Final Unity are all great, if flawed, games), but nothing was as immersive, well-written and just downright as cool as Elite Force. Firstly, you could tell in every second of the game that it was written by hardcore fans. It felt exactly like being in an episode of Voyager. Hell, better, since you were actually there yourself. Fantastic plot, amazing characterization, and tied intricately into the story of the show (all the voices were provided by the original actors). Even better than that, it was a bloody decent shooter as well, and came prepackaged with multiple multiplayer modes that made it better than Quake 3, the engine it was based on. Fantastic package.

- Worms: (PC, PS, Pocket PC) I was going to mention a game called Scorched Earth: The Mother of all Games, which was a really budget, super-fun 2D artillery game where you had to judge elevation and wind speed to hit your opponent's launcher before he hit yours. This concept later evolved into the equally rad Worms, where the artillery concept was strengthened by hilarious weapons and cute little worms firing them. I used to have this on my Pocket PC and it was great to pull out on the tube and play with friends to pass the time. Honourable mention must also go to the similarly 2D puzzle game Lemmings.

- Okay, Tetris: (PC) As Matt mentioned, Tetris is the ultimate game, addictive, intuitive, competitive, endless fun. I still play it today. I once wrote a 'kidding on the square' essay about how you could tell someone's personality by analyzing the way they played Tetris- I think it warrants further research.

In seven days, I leave.

Interesting how we look to patterns for comfort, even when we?ve established there?s a problem in the pattern that needs to change, we still go back to them.

Finish work at four-thirty. I could have left several hours ago with little difference- my workload has practically dropped to zero. I am making a presentation introducing people to our new document management system. It?s a lot more complicated than our current filing system, which is just a series of folders on the main hard drive. The problem with the current system is that if I save a file and then leave, no-one else knows where it is.

The thing with the new system is that people don?t understand it and don?t want to change from what they already know. They are resistant to a new way of doing things.

There?s comfort in the patterns.

I autopilot from work to the station. Sometimes I?ll want to head east instead of west, like if I have to go to Liverpool Street instead of home, but I always switch to autopilot and end up on the westbound platform. Sometimes I?ll be on the train before I realize I?m going the wrong way, I just wasn?t paying attention. One time I went all the way home before I realize I was meant to be somewhere else.

Get off at Finchley Road, go to Sainsbury?s. Stand in one of the aisles, marvelling at all the food. I only make five things, but I make them very well. I think about Aiden, about buying a recipe book, picking a new recipe, someone else?s pattern, going shopping with her, making food with her, trying new things, finding joy in small things, like making food. I smile.

There?s comfort in the patterns.

I?ve been feeling a bit low so I grab a steak, hoping some iron will give me a boost. Grabbing a steak means you also grab mushrooms, onions, peas, potatoes for mashing. That?s how I do steak. There?s comfort in the pattern, you see.

Guy at the till?s name is Hari, he?s a young guy. He looks very tired but not unhappy. He asks if I need help packing, I say I?ve got it. He rings up my purchases.

?You?ve got reward points!? He says cheerily, after scanning my nectar card.

?Great, how much??

?Ten pounds worth.?

?Cool, use it.?

I?ve been rewarded for going to the same place, doing the same thing, buying the same things, over and over. It pays for my shopping. He hands my nectar card back to me and I tell him to bin it- this will be my last shop at Sainsbury?s. He looks a bit upset.

I get home, put my groceries on the bench, slump into the lounge. It?s five-thirty so Futurama is on. I?ve seen every episode a few times but it?s still pretty funny. There?s comfort in the patterns. Fry?s girlfriend from the year 2000 has woken up in the year 3000, and convinces him to go to the year 4000, which is a desolate wasteland ruled by savage children. I know there must be a reset button coming up, that the show can?t stay in the future, that everything has to go back to how it was, that the show must stay essentially the same from week to week, but I?ve forgotten how it does. The problem is in the pattern.

There?s comfort in the pattern.

I cook my dinner and eat it. It?s far too big for one person, as usual. My problem is that I learned to cook for six people, and I?ve never learned to cook for one, so I always make too much, and then I always eat it all, and then I always feel bad about it. It?s good, though.

I should be out with friends, sucking the marrow out of my last days in London, seeing people I won?t see again. I should call Aaron. I?ve never even met Roxy. I should be out, I should be drinking. But there?s something nice about staying in, doing what I?ve always done, knowing that I won?t do it again, not like this. I?ve done this a hundred times before. One more time won?t hurt. A hundred more will.

I play Half-Life 2 for a few hours. Gordon is stuck in an old prison block, and I have to fend off like forty marines before I can move on. They?ve got grenades and shotguns, and I get repeatedly slaughtered. I have three sentry guns, and I put them in different places each time I reload, hoping that I will find the pattern that takes all the marines out before they can get to me. I?ve got stuff to do, packing to do, people to call, letters to write, a novel to finish, but this is the most important thing I can be doing. I feel a twinge of guilt. I can?t even remember most of the games I?ve played, wasted weeks and months on. This is how I spend my last days in London.

I read Chainfire until I can?t keep my eyes open. It is book ten of a fantasy series I?ve been reading since I was a teenager. The hero wakes up to find he is the only person who remembers his wife. Everyone else thinks he has gone insane, but he can?t let her memory go. It?s a hardback, and when I doze off it falls out of my hands and whacks me in the face.

I turn off the lights and think about her, crunch up the duvet and wrap my arms around it, and imagine being with her, and smile. Patterns wheel inside patterns. There?s comfort in the patterns, but sometimes that?s the problem, and you have to break them.

Much like learning a new word and then suddenly seeing it everywhere, or humming a song you haven't thought of in years and then suddenly hearing it a dozen times on the radio over the next week, since posting The Culture Defence I have been running into example apon example of how tradition is pretty much the only reason anyone does anything. One of the more amusing ones is Amanda's take on crusive writing and how it should die a lonely death (if you don't read Pandagon evey day, you really should).

I won?t strain your intelligence pointing out why arguments from tradition are horseshit, but suffice it to say, if your main argument for something is that it?s a tradition, then that?s all the more reason to re-examine your attitudes about it.

The current annual hubbub over hajibs, for example. This is actually a pretty complex debate with a lot of good points on both sides. I have a similar stance on this argument as I do on circumcision- I hate hajibs and wish they'd fuck off, but at the same time I'd find legislation banning them to be even creepier.

I hate the Hajib (and it's way-creepy cousin the Burqa) because it's a method of controlling women. Yes, there are lots of choice-feminist arguments about it's advantages in a leery man's world, but none of them speak to the point that the Hajib is a method of controlling, and supressing, women. Now, if a woman wants to wear a hajib, or a burqa, or anything else, then of course she should be able to, which is why I don't support legislating against them- that is removing women's choices, not adding to them, and many women wear the hajib as a legitimate expression of their choices and culture. But the bottom line is that it is not a matter of choice for a lot of women. And it's safe to say that these very same women have little other choices in their lives, as well. And that's cultural, which again makes people afraid of coming at the issue directly, discussing it honestly, without the veil of tradition coming down the cloack the argument in offence.

Many people I've discussed this with cannot seem to hold it in their minds that I can't vociferously hate something, yet not want it legislated against. I find it perfectly reasonable. Let's take porn. There's a lot of ugly, violent porn out there that I don't think anyone should watch and I find really disturbing that it exists at all. Yet I don't want porn banned, because my choices don't override others, and a boring world it would be if they did. Yet I'll happily give my opinion on people who watch that sort of shit. So while I don't think the culture defense is a valid argument for supporting something, at the same time I don't believe in the 'culture attack'- my culture doesn't override yours.

To: Office All
Subj: To whoever stole my cheese from the Office fridge

Dear whoever stole me cheese from the office fridge,

I hope you enjoyed my cheese. I was looking forward to eating it for lunch, and I certainly hope the joy you gained from stealing it surpassed my annoyance at having it stolen. You will be happy to know that I have replaced the cheese, along with several other food items, and you're welcome to have at them any time you please. You should probably be aware that I have coated a random selection of these items with an extremely powerful emetic that will induce immediate vomiting, loss of bladder control and uncontrollable defecation.

Have a nice day.

No-one's happier about the Hoff revival than I, and I think the series of self-mocking Pipex ads is a lot of fun. But the above picture is just plain creepy and there's no getting round it. Is it me or does his head look way, way smaller than his body would indicate?

Scott says that the Hoff has taken so many steroids that his balls have dropped off. I don't know how he knows that.

So I just got kicked from Ade's post about belief and tradition, because I happened to raise the dreaded C-word (circumcision), a topic that is dear to my heart and I love ranting about, not least because it continually strikes me as one of the oddest paradoxes about modern society: we run ads about how awful it is to hit children, but we're more than happy to chop bits off of them when they're a few days old. Adrian asked me not to talk about it on his blog -which is fair enough, it's his place, but I thought I'd resurrect the discussion here.

It's funny that I was asked not to talk about it because a refusal to discuss things it usually a big indicator that the refuser knows they have no genuine defence for the argument in question. Another big indicator is the culture defence, which was also used:

I will not have this post subverted with weighted language that insults my entire culture and history regardless of ones opinion on God.

ie. "It's part of my culture and therefore not subject to discussion or critique." It's a pretty common argument, Wikipedia really needs an entry on it. Although I use the word 'argument' very generously, because it's not an argument at all, it's a false logic that should be denigrated and exposed as the sham it is. Which is not to say I don't enjoy and appreciate culture, I just think that if the only leg you have to stand on is that something is tradition, then it's not a very good basis for the defence of child abuse.

Yep, circumcision is child abuse- you're chopping up a baby for no rhyme or reason other than that your traditions demand it. And that is not reason enough. The biggest additional reason given is that it's somehow medically beneficial. This may have been true back in the day when folks lived in the desert and it was tough to find time to scrub. This is true no longer- the odds of contracting some kind of 'foreskin-related' disease is far, far lower than the number of botched circumcisions that occur every year.

The other big argument for it is that chicks dig cut dicks. This may be true, but listen to what you're saying: It's okay to perform gential mutilation on your eight-day-old child, in order that their penis looks better in 16+ years. Why not just wait and let them make the decision when they reach that age? At least then the choice is theirs. "Oh, it's not as traumatic as later on" What the fuck do you know? You ever had a baby say: "Yeah, it's not that bad." Ever chopped the end of your big toe off with a shovel? You know how you feel all woozy when you look at it? You know how your body will sometimes go into shock to try and cope with it? Now try that when you're eight days old, tell me that's a great idea. You don't punch babies in the head, why the hell do we allow people to chop them up?

So all you're left with is the culture defence. I think Saddam's been using this in his trial:

"But your honour, it's old tradition in my country to incinerate Kurds in this way!"

"By Allah you're right man, not guilty on all counts."

It's not a defence. My culture has a long and glorious tradition of racism and sexism, but I'll stand up against those too, I don't care who I offend or piss off. There is no defence to this act. Not anymore, not since the freakin' Enlightenment. Past parents who have cut their kids, you got a free pass. Future parents? You do not. You are on notice. You chop up your baby when it can't defend itself: you're a child abuser. Society might not say you are. The law may not punish you for it. Friends may be too polite to bring it up with you.

But deep down, below your fragile excuse for a fragile excuse, you'll know.

It always bugged me that in the film Braveheart, the battle for Stirling Bridge is presented as being in a big field- no bridge. It's annoying to me because in reality it was a really interesting battle- a relatively tiny amount of Scotsmen took on 10,000+ English soldiers (with cavalry), and won. They won because it was really an ambush- they waited until a large portion of the horsemen were across the bridge, then attacked- apparently driving the English back across the bridge with such ferocity that men were forced over the side. Eventually the bridge collapsed under the weight of so many soldiers and the English retreated- one of the first and only times heavy cavalry had ever been routed by foot soldiers.

Sounds like pretty exciting stuff, it's kind of annoying that they replaced that with a battle which was more or less identical to the two other battles in the film.

Mel Gibson was apparently wandering around the set (in Ireland), and one of the Scottish extras asked him why he'd removed the bridge. He said it was 'getting in the way'. The extra:

"That's what the English found."

Ha!

via Matt

You Are Not Scary

Everyone loves you. Isn't that sweet?

Meme in the making...try out this hilarious face-recognition program that was originally developed to tell you your family line, but is a lot more fun to tell you which celebrity you look like! I'm usually told I look like Sean Austin, or slightly more embarassing, Daniel Bedingfield. But the computer doesn't lie, people!

If anyone can tell me what this is, or where I took it, I'd be very impressed.