Happy dude-getting-nailed-to-a-tree weekend! As Bill Hicks was fond of noting: "Where in the Bible do they mention a giant bunny that hands out chocolate eggs? You'd think I'd remember that bit." Anyway, I'm in Hampstead Heath on Friday, enjoying the sun with a bit of red wine, cheese, `n friends. At one point I look up and point out what appears to be either a bin lid or a very large frisbee, tw ...

NOTE: This was written for the online magazine Pick Me Up, which last week asked its readers the question: Have you ever almost died? (along with: What is the best relationship you never had?), but I thought I'd blog it, as well. Enjoy. There have been three occasions on which I have almost died, all of which (rather suitably) make pretty neat stories, but probably would have made rather unimpre ...

The moral of the story is: don't put your card behind the bar and then proceed to get drunk. ...

So, I'm on the tube the other day, and I'm reading over someone's shoulders, which is what I do when I have no Metro and no Palm and no book and no Sun-left-on-the-seat-isn't-Dear-Deidre-the-best? This is quite rare (and, look, if you're pregnant, I'm sorry I didn't see you. I don't look at people on the tube. I'm reading. I'll have you know I once shooed two men off their bus seats in order to se ...

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Oh man, I've got to learn that me and my friends' sense of humour is a lot darker than regular folks. So I'm in a meeting and we're discussing asbestos safety regulations, and someone mentions that the iron girders in the World Trade Centre were coated with an asbestos spray to 'prevent heat damage'. "It didn't work." I deadpanned, only to be met with fifteen seconds of silence and mouths gaping ...

We gather under the Marble Arch, about twenty of us, all told. If you were to stand here at this same time six months from now, there?d be over two hundred people, strapping on their boots, putting on their pads, the more bold among us chatting amiably to the more nervous. But it?s February, and it?s cold, and only the people who are dedicated are here now. Cold does not concern us- once we start ...

"Have you bound those files for me yet?" "Uhm, no, actually, I've been really busy. They're all printed and waiting by the binding machine, if you have some kind of low-level functionary available to bind them." "You are the low-level functionary." "Ah." ...