I don't know about the rest of the penis-possessed population, but I'm getting a mite sick and tired of the constant accusations (mainly from Peggy in Married With Children) that men 'can't aim'. Anyone who has seen me play Grand Theft Auto knows I can shoot the eyebrows off a hillbilly with a rickety old rifle at 100 yards. Let me assure you: I can hit an enormous oval right in front of me.
The problem is, most men (and by most men I mean to say: 'Me'. I haven't actually discussed this with any other living soul) wake up wanting to go to the toilet. (I actually drink a large glass of water at bedtime to induce this 'nature's alarm clock' effect.) In order to prevent you from accidentally soiling yourself in your sleep, evolution has conjured up a fantastic little trick which has gained the popular moniker of 'morning glory'. The more the penis is engorged with blood, the harder it is to urinate through. The more one needs to go to the bathroom, the more blood the body sends down there.
Some men (male nurses, even) claim it's impossible to urinate through a turgid (and, may I say at this point: "turgid". Tee hee) penis. This simply isn't true. I do it every morning. You wake up, busting to go to the toilet, but the anti-piss-yourself-sleeping mechanism has already engaged. There's no way to unengage it. Sure, you could seek out some pictures of Anne Widdecombe or something, but there's no time for that, the need is dire.
Now, let's look at the problems that face you here: You've got a nozzle that not only points out, it points up. That's the complete opposite of where a bro needs the flow to go. Sure, you could do a handstand (and don't think it hasn't been tried), but that would lead to certain not-fun-to-think-about troubles in the final, quarter-powered stretch. Some engineer-types favour a sophisticated 'deflection' system (say, a mirror angled downward at 45 degrees), but that requires a lot of foresight and potentially embarrassing explanations.
The method I'm sure the majority favours (it requires one to be neither limber or prepared) is to simply stand as far away from the bowl as the bathroom allows and fire 'artillery style', in a parabolic arc across the room to what, from that distance, amounts to a fairly small target. And if you think that sounds hard (oh, get your mind out of the gutter, people), you should try it in the cobwebbed, still-bleary mind of the just-awoken. Everything you learned in the lab about gravitational physics as it relates to fluid dynamics goes straight out the window at that time of day, let me tell you. When Luke said he used to bullseye whomp rats in his T-16, he was actually talking in code, about this.
And if, after this daily, Herculean effort, you get even a smidgen (a tiny smidgen!) of splashback, I can guarantee you that the very first complaint will always be from a woman. From someone who sits on the toilet! Who can't possibly miss! Who can't possibly know the curse of the morning glory.
Cut us a little slack (no really, that pun was not intended), gals.
This is a 
That's scarily familiar.
I end up in the "uncomfortable crouch" which involves some manipulation of said body part in a not too comfortable fashion.
I'm glad you said that, Gordon- I was scared it might be a dan-specific phenomena.
Any complaints about the incovneience of the morning-penis pee are rendered void by the luxury men have of the 'aimable device' - you will never know the perils of squat-peeing off a yacht, nor will you endure the frantic bushwhacking (that's the green kind of bush, guys) in the search for a well-covered spot in an area of vegetation.
And then judging the width one's feet should be apart so as to avoid any contact, while still managing to support one's squatting body...
That's true, but there is a device (I'd link to it, but I'm at work and somehow I think tgoogling 'artificial penis' might trigger some alarm bells over at IT) you can carry in your handbag to 'direct' the flow when it's time to go like a bro.
And how often, really, do you need to take aim? Once a month, at most? This is something we struggle (not too vigourously- that'd be rude) with every day.
Don't have this problem myself - try sitting down next time.
Sitting down still gives us the 'up' problem. It's of no help at all.
True. There's a gap between the seat and the bowl you know. And the stream would find it with the sort of unerring accuracy you only get when the consequences would be tragic.
My bathroom lacks the internal dimesions to allow me to back up far enough to account for early morning pressure and upward trajectory. Hence at 7am every morning you'll find me sitting on my procelain throne (like a girl) leaning as far forward as possible, which counters the naturally upward sweep of my pointing device. Sure it's cramped and uncomfortable, but I don't have to shuffle forward with my pants around my ankles trying to compensate for diminishing hydraulic pressure... and I get it all in the bowl.
Dan: By 'engineering-types' do you mean Sevitz wazzes against a mirror to deflect the flow back into the toilet?
I never said anything about the Sev! I said 'engineering types' in the construction/architectural sense of the word. Electrical engineers would tackle things in whole other ways.
Sitting down? Where's the challenge in that?
Sit down, lean forward, use hand to push below rim.
Works every time.
I personally find I have to sit further back on the seat than normal.
I just think of you naked, and problem solved. Immediate flaccidity.
Seriously, what's wrong with you people? Walk around for 2 mins, until you go soft. Then go take your slash.
And the equal comparison with girls, for the sake of comparing apples with apples is not about them finding a place in the bush to pee but if they can piss when aroused. Which is a topic of discussion I really don't need to know about. But that's the like for like comparison.