Er, apologies for the lack of, er, updates and things. I'm currently in San Diego, and will be moving on to New Zealand in fairly short order, so there's unlikely to be any updates for a while, although I'll try and do the occasional ah, blog-card when I can.

Oh come on now, quit crying. I know it's going to be tough, but you can get through this. Be strong. I'll see you soon.

I'm not an artist. This is despite my best efforts. While I'm sure art is a skill you can improve, I'm equally sure that some people have little bits of their brain that contain artistic sense, and mine is missing. I've tried to draw, honestly, I have, I just can't. If I were to draw a picture of a person for you today it would look roughly as good as a person I tried to draw when I was seven. I wish things were different, but (things being as they are) they aren't. If I was half as good an artist as Doctor Pockless, you can bet that I'd inundate you with my scribblings.

I was wand'ring around the National Gallery in Oslo the other day and, not one room away from Munch's famous The Scream was what appeared to be the work of someone who had dipped their hands into some paint and scrawled them across the canvas. It was the sort of thing at which I was quite excellent age three, and it was being displayed proudly in one of the world's most prestigious art galleries.

I resolved right then and there to buy a canvas and give it a go. Even if it was crap, I reasoned, well, this painting right here is crap, and look how much people like it. I'm giving it to my sister for her birthday, and if she doesn't like it, well, what can I say? I've no artistic skill. Would she criticize a baby for vomiting on her? This is what I do.

I must say it was wonderful fun- if you want an excellent Sunday afternoon, I do highly recommend sitting in bed painting whilst listening to the complete works of Muse from end to end. Yes, I know, painting in bed is a terrible idea, and now I have a set of sheets that looks like an absolute bloodbath, but making a mess is sometimes a lot of fun.

[here's a flash version if the app doesn't load]

"God, look at that guy, what a poseur."

"What guy?"

"The dude with the ridiculous chops and the intensely greased Elvis hairdo."

"Oh, with the enormous skull & crossbones earrings?"

"Yeah, that's the one. What a dick. I hate people who purposefully create an over-stylized image to send out a specific message."

"Doesn't everyone do that?"

"No. I don't do that."

"Of course you do!"

"No I don't! I just wear clothes. My look is entirely neutral. If I want to give someone a message, I'll talk to them."

"Your wardrobe consists almost entirely of clothes from Cyberdog!"

"Yeah, but I'm not trying to send out any messages about myself."

"But don't you think people will look at what you're wearing and think you're trying to send out some kind of message?"

"That's their problem. I just think Cyberdog looks cool."

"Well, maybe that guy just thinks his outfit looks cool."

"Well ... he still seems like he's a bit of a dick."

Okay: I seem to have found a question that AQA cannot answer. However while I'm sure that there is, in fact, an answer, I don't know what it is and I would really like to know. Follow my train of thinking here, people.

It all started at a BBQ on Saturday, at which I was chatting to this South African about ah, Cape Town, and she showed me a rather awesome photo of lightning striking Cape Town, and I asked her to beam it to my phone because it looked so cool (it looks like the beacon of Minas Morgul in Return of the King!)

I then texted it to Adrian because it looked so cool I wanted him to see it, and I asked him to guess what city it was (which he did- I think he'd seen this photo before). He then wrote:

Yeah. I love lightning ever since I studied it.

And I started to write back: "Oh, I didn't know you were a..." and I searched my brain for the word that means: "Someone who studies lightning." before realising I had no idea what that word is. That's okay, I thought, I'll just text AQA, they'll tell me.

What is the word that means: Someone who studies lightning/electrical storms?

...waited 10 minutes...

...waited 20 minutes...

...waited 30 minutes...

From: AQA [63336]

Sorry for the delay. AQA is dealing with your question and you should receive an answer shortly.

...waited 10 minutes...

...waited 20 minutes...

...waited 30 minutes...

From: AQA [63336]

AQA can't find a word more specific than meteorologist for someone who studies climatic conditions, including lightning and thunderstorms.

My conversation with Adrian continued:

I didn't know you studied lightning, bro.

Yeah I did a project and a thesis on it.

Can you please tell me the word that means: someone who studies lightning/electrical storms? I'm dying to know.

Electrical Engineer

No seriously, there has to be a word for it. People study lightning. What are those people called?

Seriously electrical engineers or scientists.

No seriously. People who study weather are called meteorologists. Electrical engineers are what my dad is. He doesn't study fucking lightning. There's a word for people who do and I want to know what it is God-damn it!

Elec eng's do lightning protection which requires the study of lightning. I know because I did it. Twice.

Yes but look dude, there are scientists who dedicate their lives to studying the phenomena of lightning. They have a name and it's very important to me that I find out what that name is. It isn't electrical engineer because that's far too broad. There is a specific name for this field of study.

The closest you will come is meteorologist. Inter elec eng's do a heck of a lot of lightning research.

Yeah, cause that's how the English language works. They have a word that means 'fear of purple dinosaurs'. They've words for 20 different sorts of cloud. But when it comes to a complete field of study of a phenomena that has existed since the dawn of time they just said: "Oh, 'meteorologist' will do." Why did they stop there? Why not just use the word 'scientist' as a coverall, why invent the word meteorology? Why bother differentiating between forked lightning and sheet lightning, just call it 'lightning'? There's a word. It's out there.

Now, readers, you're all pretty smart, from what I can tell. Except you. And you in the back there, obviously. But YOU are really smart. And the word is out there. And I need to know what it is. And if it's not out there, it needs to be invented quick smart.

Wordsmiths! Pedants! I need you! Can anyone help me?

This is me holding my not one, not even two, but THREE copies of the new Nine Inch Nails single (The CD, the DVD, and the vinyl). As you can tell, I'm pretty happy about it.

Okay, look: I can recognize the fact that I am not exactly the world's most objective observer when it comes to Les Nails. In fact: I think that's one of the great things about art- you're allowed to be unobjective. There is no criteria for judging art that's free from subjectivity, so you may as well just admit it and dive right into the arms of your own prejudices.

That said: I recognise that this isn't NIN's greatest song yet. Metro gave it four stars and I'd say that's about right. In the pantheon of all NIN songs I'd say it'd be about three stars- somewhere in the middle. It's still a fantastic rock song with some awesome synth, and better than pretty much everything else that's been released this year (although it's probably pipped to the post by that Gorillaz song and the new Foos single, which kicks ass).

I was a bit disappointed by the remixes. You'd think something remixed by a guy named 'Photek' would be, like, a major departure from the original song, but really it's just an extended mix, not much changed at all. I'll have to grab those ProTools files and make my own mix.

The DVD is pretty sparse- the video (which you can view on the NIN website without much loss of quality) has an intentionally lo-fi asthetic -it just looks like a bunch of webcams watching a live rehearsal, and the feed begins to 'break up' as they start to rock out- as if there's too much ROCK for your computer to handle! However the 5.1 mix sounds fantastic, there's noise all over the place.

I haven't actually listened to the vinyl yet because...I don't own a record player!

But why did you buy a record if you can't play it?

Sort of an experiment, actually. My friend Chris maintains that if you rip an analog recording to mp3, it still retains some of the signal depth and sounds better than a digital recording. I'm a bit skeptical, but I figure it's worth experimenting with, especially as with the album coming up I'll have to decide whether to get that in vinyl, as well.

Speaking of which, I'm very excited about the album. Everything I've heard about it has been great, and this single has only got me more excited, which I guess is the point. I've heard numerous reviewers, and Trent himself, say that this is the 'safest' of the tracks on the album, the one that sounds most like NIN's earlier works (and indeed you can definitely hear similarities to March of the Pigs, No You Don't, We're In This Together Now), which is understandable for the first single in five years. But from what I've heard of the other tracks, there's a lot of variety on the album, and a lot of departures from what might be considered the NIN 'norm', as wide as that already is.

So what's with the paisley dressing gown?

Don't ask.

Now a little treat for you! Last night, Zane Lowe's BBC1 rock show had NIN in the studio and they performed The Hand That Feeds LIVE! Now you could always go to the BBC website and start their extremely clever archive feed and rip the entire show and then extract the live single yourself ... except I've already done it for you! So just download them here. The quality is pretty shocking, and it's in mono, but THTF is pretty lo-fi as it is, so it's decent enough to listen to for a live track. Also live is the previously-unaired 'With Teeth' (which has a gorgeous piano/synth breakdown in the middle, check it out), and a pretty bitta-shweet rendition of 'Hurt', done in the same style that 'Something I Can Never Have' on 'Still'.

The Hand That Feeds (live)
With Teeth (live)
Hurt (live)

[UPDATE! The fan-made remixes for THTF are just flowing in. They can be found here. The Ruiner crossover is great.]

This is Girlinky. Not only are they all very nice people, but they also kind of quite rock, and do a great live set. I'll be going to see them next Wednesday when they play live, and as it will be my last day in England for quite some time, you should come too as I'll probably getting really trashed and will be quite generous what with all the drink-buying and dancing and whatnot.

Yesterday was the first official London Skate of the new year, and while it did mean I had to miss out on a free gig by The Clientele, I knew I couldn't miss the inaugural skate of 2005. And it was a great night- good turnout, the weather never turned bad (as it was threatening to), and everyone was smiling and happy, all the way through town and up T.Court Road. I don't know if they planned it, but How Soon Is Now? started playing as we rolled into Camden, and it couldn't have been more perfect.

Ah, Joe, how I wish I could just record the entire experience and just dump it wholesale into your brain, so you could just see how much fun it is. Unfortunately I can't, so you can watch these crappy-resolution movies I took using my cameraphone (they're in some format called 3gp, which realplayer seems to be able to play, so good luck with that)

Here's the first few moments of the skate as we come out of Hyde Park.
Here's us coming into Trafalgar Square
This one is as we come up to Piccadilly Circus.
Some comments from my fellow skaters during the interval.
Some footage I took especially for Adrian, to encourage him to come on the skate.

I'll try and take a decent camera next skate, as my cameraphone really doesn't deal too well with movement.

If you are in a plane crash, what is the probability that you will survive? That is to say: if you added up all the people who have ever been in a plane crash, what proportion of them would not have survived the crash?

From: AQA [63336]

If you are in a plane crash when the plane is at high altitude, survival probability is less than 1 in 100. At low altitude it is around 1 in 5.

I was pondering this question aloud as the easyjet taxied down the runway for takeoff to Norway. Several friends kindly asked me to STFU.

Sometimes your brain makes a snap judgement of a situation and spurs you into action without much time for analysis or forethought.

All I saw was a woman, standing in the middle of the pavement on Bayswater Road, with her pants around her ankles. She was standing in a puddle that had clearly just emitted from her own self. My immediate thought was that she was pregnant, and that her water had broken, right then and there, in the middle of the sidewalk, and she was moments away from giving birth. I didn't visually take in any other details.

Panicked, I leapt forward, full of concern, my mind flashing with visions of just what the hell I was going to do: hail a cab and get her to a hospital? try and get her into the nearby hotel? assist with delivery right there on the spot? where could I find a hot towel? what do people even DO with hot towels? why was no one else helping her?

"Are you alright?"

"Gaeroff!" the lady screamed and turned to face me as I lay my hand on her shoulder. Her face was wrinkled and dirty. There was vomit all over her sweater, and her chin. She had plastic bags wrapped around her feet. She wasn't pregnant- she was just an insane old lady, and had decided to take a piss in the street. I recoiled, but still wanted to help her, somehow.

"Are you okay? Can I help you?"

"GAERROFF!!!" she screamed, and took a menacing step towards me, her hand curled like a claw, her track pants still around her ankles. Her eyes had aun unreal, glassy look, as if she could only vaguely see me.

I retreated some more, then turned and walked away. What could I do? I was stunned at the speed at which my concern had turned to revulsion. So she wasn't pregnant, so what? She obviously still needed help. I struggled to think how I could have helped her. Is there no-one out there to help her?

I wondered what her name was. Did she still know what it was? Did she have a family? Did they know that this was how she lived? Did she have friends? What was she like when she was young? Did she ever suspect this would be how she would end up? Where did she sleep? How could anyone possibly survive the winter in London without anywhere to sleep?

My eyes started to brim with tears. I swallowed and blinked, looked at the sky, choked the tears back down. I wondered what happened to that fluid that was about to come out of my eyes. Did it just return to my tear ducts, ready to come out at some other time, or was it recirculated into my system, little droplets of sadness, flowing through my veins.

If you create a piece of art (whether it be an image, music or writing) and no-one else sees it, is it pointless?

From: AQA [63336]

Creating any form of art, even if no-one ever sees it, is not pointless as it allows you to express your own creativity and feelings.

As I pointed out to the alert reader who submitted this question, doesn't express mean 'to communicate'?

Hmm.

ALSO! I've just seen that AQA has a new feature- they are posting their Top Five Questions EVERY SINGLE DAY. I'm having paroxysms of joy at the thought of it. You'd think they would have dropped by the site and let me know. Sniff.