When will I be famous? by Martin Kelner

The first thing you should know is: I'm really scared of dying. Not of being dead. I'm sure that whatever's next, be it nothing (which, based on my experiences with unconciousness, I'm sure it will be), or anything else, I'll probably rapidly adjust, I'm good that way ("Only one red-hot poker in my earhole today, Satan? Ooh, lovely. How's the wife?"). But the run-up to being dead doesn't sound so good: having your systems fail one by one; or watching your intestines unravel after being eviscerated by some piece of rending car-metal; or having your head guillotined into a catapault and launched into the air (actually, if I was going to choose how I went, that'd be the way).

Ancillary to this, I am a little bit frightened about being old, aging. Don't get me wrong, there's a lot about old age I'm looking forward to: hooning around on those little mini-scooters; complaining about kids these days; wearing blankets everywhere without having to explain it to anyone.

But...when I was a kid, I figured that with age came a sort of enlightenment or wisdom that stopped you feeling so afraid, like you came to terms with your imminent demise. Subsequent conversations with old people disabused me of that notion- they're just as frightened as me, if not more so, since they're neck deep in the problem, wheras I'm just looking forward to it. My dear old Auntie Kath, gone this past year, used to pat my arm with her frail, thin hand, and say:

"Don't get old, Daniel my love, it's terrible. Everything hurts, and all your friends die, and you're constantly afraid of following them."

"Oh, Auntie K, you're not supposed to say things like that, you should be reassuring the youth of today, to give them something to look forward to."

"But it's true my love, it's awful being old, and thinking of what it used to be like when you were young."

"Well, couldn't you lie about it, or something?"

Ahem. Anyway, I mention this because 'When Will I be Famous?', while it tries very hard to be uplifting and positive, is actually incredibly depressing. It has a lot of funny moments, and a few moments where it's not mocking the acts it examines, but it's basically about growing old, or at least it was for me.

'When Will I Be Famous?' is a non-fiction examination of the less well-known side of Britain's entertainment industry: not the bands that have 'made it'- the ones that, while far less popular, are far more populous- the cover bands, the ex-celebs, the dance acts, the DJs, the crooners, the stand-up comedians, the tributes. Martin Kelner (who claims to be kin to these acts, but from what I can tell was a fairly successful DJ and writer) travels throughout the UK to seedy clubs, pubs and venues to watch aging entertainers give it their best as Freddie Mercury tributes, dancing acts, razor-blade-from-the-vagina acts, and, well, being Tony Blackburn.

Each chapter is devoted to a different act, but the underlying theme is: these people tried thier best to become famous, and never quite made it (except for Tony Blackburn), and now they're approaching (or entering) thier twilight years, and realize that they probably never will 'make it'. They make a living from what they do (in some cases quite a good one), but they never scaled the heights of fame they dreamed they would, and out of all the different entertainers interviewed, only a handful seem at peace with that. Which of course leads one to reflect on one's own life: what one considers 'success', how to attain that, and, once attained, if that would ever be 'enough'.

I usually read, in part, in order to avoid thinking about such depressing realities. While WWIBF? is an extremely quick read (I churned through it in one sitting), and certainly diverting at times, I would much rather recommend Giles Smith's fantastic Lost in Music, which covers similar terrain, but is far funnier and, well, cheerier than this rather downbeat affair.

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