Looking back on it now, I don?t know why I did it. Isn?t that often the way? We do something barely consciously and then, when asking ourselves why, we realize we never even made a choice. We just acted. Like an animal. No past. No future. No regrets. No consequences. Just the ever present now, the desires that must be instantly sated, the threats that must be instantly extinguished.
Maybe there was a kernel on consciousness present in the action. A little glimmer of hope, that maybe, just maybe, they might surprise me. That everyone?s expectations were so low, they were going to just pull one out of the bag and say: ?Ah ha! You thought we couldn?t make a good salad! Well you were wrong!?
I was so, so right. What was I thinking? Ragged, grey lettuce. Cherry tomatoes that made a mockery of both words. Thin, translucent carrot slices that revealed a sickly greenish hue when held up to a fluorescent light. The croutons were good but then, croutons aren?t exactly rocket science.
Give it up, Ronald. No-one is fooled. People who care about their weight are already getting sushi at Pret- they aren?t going to walk across the street to get one of your nasty-ass salads just to save one pound. Take a good, long look at your customers. You think we want salad? We want fucking burgers. We want your cheap, fatty, unhealthy burgers.
I?ve got a killer business strategy that will give a shot of madrenaline in the arm of your ever-shrinking profit line. Are you ready? I?m the god-damned magical clown who?s about to save your ass, Ron.
Shut down your entire advertising wing.
Easy, huh? Now, plough that money into the price of your burgers. Can you imagine? Everything will suddenly be half-off! Big Macs for 99p! Cheeseburgers for 25p!* You?ll have queues of fatties around the block. It?s not like your advertising department is DOING anything, anyway. You think ANYONE is buying into the new healthy image? You may as well try and promote menthols as good for you. So quit paying for the gilt-edging on Justin Timberlake?s dog?s bath, fire those overpaid morons you know you hate anyway for writing that jingle, and abandon all advertisements for McDonalds. Your new prices will advertise themselves.
?Oh but Nike proved that with 70% of your profits going into advertising you can outsell??
SHUT UP! You know who else is doing well? Pound stores! Yeah! They?re all over the fucking place. It?s funny, I?ve never seen a single ad for them anywhere, yet they seem to be doing okay for themselves. Wake up, the advertising dream is over. You did really well for yourselves, you did a good job indoctrinating an entire generation of kids into believing that McDonald?s was somehow magical and giving them a lovely little buzz every time they see the Golden Arches (curse you), but we?re clued in now. Kids don?t believe in magic. They believe in cheap, shitty, pre-processed food, and you?ve got it! Give it to us at reduced prices, and spare us your fucking upbeat, disconnected from reality sound-cocking-bytes.
And plough that Ronald McDonald House charity box money back into the price of the burgers, as well, while you?re at it- that way when I get rid of my loose change I can feel somewhat gratified that I?m just helping myself pay for a future burger I may or may not buy. I?m charging interest, you fuckers.
d
* Someone?s probably done some kind of study somewhere demonstrating that if you price a burger TOO low, people won?t want to buy it. There?s some logic in this. Like, if you?re ever wandering down brick lane, and the curry-hustlers are yelling out at you:
?25% off!?
you think: ?Sweet?
?I give you 30% off!?
?All right!?
?No, don?t listen to him, I give you 40% off!?
?This is getting good. What next??
?50% off!?
?What the fuck, are you cooking rat meat in there or something??
This is a 
Although you have a valid point, MacDonald's is struggling (in the sense MacDonald's could be struggling, which means a dip in profits, not a loss of profit), because they are unhealthy. You'll find the people who are not necessarily trying to be healthy, by maybe will try be a bit healthier. And their new breakfast are actually a little appealing. Probably healthy than the greasy spoon anyway.
Also unfortunately advertising works. Every time big companies like Maccyd's or Coke stop advertising, sales dip. It's a pretty easy experiment to conduct, and their advertising does work. I would kill for a Big Mac right now. Haven't had one since I started trying to loose weight. And I live by a 24hour MacD's. I'd kill for a cigarette too, but they don't sell them. And I quit.